I'm still here you bastards.

Alright now

It took me five years to tunnel out from under the stack of old Grit magazines that fell on me while I was cleaning out the attic. I still don't believe any of the other 4 people who live in my house didn't hear the constant screams for help, but I'll deal with them in my own time. Suffice it to say that I am once again free to communicate with you, my loyal and faithful readers who never once gave up on me.

A year already?

I really must pay more attention to this site. All you avid fans out there who continue to pour in your support must be starved for my attention. I of course care not, for my artistic endeavors leave me so high above you all that I can only see the tops of your heads from my lofty ivory tower.

We must unite to stamp out marketing

I was trying to watch Carlito's Way the other night on Bravo. Don't worry about why, it doesn't matter. I was tired and there was nothing else on and I started and got caught up and I already feel bad about it so just shut up. Anyway, I already knew Bravo was pretty much the worst, most ad saturated waste of time on Earth, and wouldn't have even bothered normally, but I was still disgusted by the obscene amount of purile advertising they shoved in between 5 minute segments of the movie. The ads went on so long I kept forgettingwhat I was even watching! I always mute commercials anyway, but still after 10 or 15 minutes you lose interest. I just wanted to see Benny Blanco put a few slugs in Carlito's stomach, not buy anything related to cleaning, erectile dysfunction or hearing loss.
I have long belived that television is about 99% unwatchable and this only confirms that judgement.
Once they finally showed the last minute of the film (with 10 minutes of ads right before), they started running the next movie over the top of the credits. What moron thinks that's going to help their cause? I guess they are assuming their audience is made up of comatose patients, lobomy victims and strapped-down, rage filled monkeys. Granted, these constant attempts to annoy the viewer into distraction have been going on for a long time now, but addition of the coroprate channel logo in the corner, the streaming crap along the bottom and the constant interuptions are the final limit. They wonder why so many people have turned to the internet for amusment, entertainment, education. It's not that the content is so much better, but it's much easier to edit that crap out.
Advertising is universally loathed, despised and hated. Any inteligent person will do anything to avoid it. So how is it worthwhile to have advertisers pay for shows that a brain damaged hamster could write? The whole obscene charade is a tragical circus of lies and desperate screams for attention.
I don't think it's too much to ask to once in awhile sit down and watch a movie, that I'm paying for already with cable fees and not be innundated with infantile attempts to con me into buying worthless junk I don't need or want. So anyway, Carlito shoots the mob guys and then he gets whacked right before he gets on the train to freedom. By John Leguzamo by the way! He was great in this, but Empire was a big disapointment. See, look at that, my attention span has been shortened already. Bastards!

What does Yoda smell like?

He has to be a mammal right? He's got hair so that's a given. Comparing him to terrestrial animals would conjure maybe monkeys or a large rodent. Its never brought up in the films, but I think Yoda must have had a distinct odor. Of course in the first series only Luke sees him, and since he spends most of his time on Dagobah kissing Yoda's ass so he can become a Jedi, his judgment is doubtful. There is no indication either by spoken word or facial expression that he finds Yoda offensive. Granted the whole swamp probably stank to holy hell and Luke himself is never seen to shower, but Yoda must have been ripe and rank.
In the later series, younger Yoda is only slightly better dressed and groomed. Again, since he is a Jedi Master it is doubtful anyone would walk in and say "Damn Jedi, what is that ungodly stink?", but I have no doubts that even at his most dignified, he biffed like a goat. I cannot imagine that Yoda was invited to many formal gatherings while living in the capitol city of the Galactic Republic, but I would imagine it caused some sleepless nights among personal secretaries who were asked to come up with excuses as to why he was left off various invitational lists.

But what do we compare his smell with? Mammal most certainly, but that still leaves a wide range to choose from. Based on a purely visual and auditory knowledge of Yoda I would have to place him somewhere between a lemur and a hippo. With a combination of matted, filthy hair and a scaly, grime-soaked body he no doubt let off a reek that would be known second only to the light saber as a deadly killing force. Add to that the musty unsettling smell that permeates all of the muppet race.
From his crackling voice it seems obvious that he smoked in excess, so add stale, rank tobacco to the mix. It was not due to his steely gaze that only the staunchest of politicians and well trained Jedi could stand before him and not flinch.

This also brings to mind the smells of some other notable Star Wars characters. The most obvious being Chewbacca, who no doubt stank like a feces encrusted hill billy, Jar Jar Binks, who must have reeked like a dead crocodile stuffed in a Venzelan's used mattress and the Emperor himself, who must have let off an odor like a burnt corpse left in a Milwaukee gas station bathroom for 6 weeks. Darth Vader at least had the decency to keep his repulsive affrond to the nose captured in his suit.

It is no doubt why the Star Wars universe was always in such conflict and turmoil. The repulsive filthy reeking stench of it's inhabitants must have driven them almost insane with disgust.
I'm sorry now I ever even brought up the topic.

A further introduction

I have been informed by some of the more ignorant monkeys on my staff that many of you may not remember me from my previous work, and in fact may never have even seen it. I find this very difficult to believe of anyone who has been alive and conscious in the last 20 years, but one has to humor ones underlings, lest they become unhappy and unproductive. So for those trolls, mole rats or other cave dwelling peoples who may not know who I am, my name is Claude Rohimer, and I was the genius behind a series of films made in the great West Estes studio of Rohimer and Bubola. It was there in the summer of 1990 that we put the Chicago neighborhood Rogers Park on the map for the first time. Our series of films looked at life in the city as no other ever had, or ever would again. From sadness, rejection, suicide, drunken revelry, conflict and loss, we crammed our films full of the life and vitality of a real metropolitan neighborhood. Sadly, our artistic differences became too much and we ended our association by burning the studio to the ground and punching each other repeatedly in the neck. Look it up if you like, I don't intend to dwell on my past work anymore. To the future! My new work will overshadow the old ten fold and make it look as manure to a suburban housewife.

Today I live in the grand metropolis of Elgin, and I am married to this woman here:
I am also in hopes that this medium will encourage her to spill her creative juices out onto the internet as well, as she is an even greater literary genius than even I myself am. I may even convince her to publish our shared journal of our early courtship and our world wide chase in which I attempted to swipe her Jewel card. We shall see.

I feel better now.

Some of you may remember my previous work from the last decade. I was at one time widely known and celebrated as both artist and filmmaker. Sadly, as many of us know all too well, fame can be fleeting. If you are interested in my early work, it was excavated by a piratical criminal and posted here: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=HecubusRex
Since breaking with Francisco Bubola (whom I have since reconciled with after a prolonged and bloody war), I removed myself from the public eye and have remained anonymously quiet. But with the advent of a new millennium and the passing of a few years I think the time has come to regain the crown and once again take my place as ruler of the known universe.
I intend this tome to be a chronicle of my life and rise to power that future generations will venerate as a window into my genius. Someday you will sit your soggy grandchildren on your knee and tell them that you were here on the day of the new dawn. I congratulate you.

Woah wait, what just happened?

Where am I? Why are these walls glowing? And they are so clean. Very sharp.